Netflix has been the victim of two big on-set robberies in the space of two days, with thieves stealing $200,000 worth of props from The Crown and $330,000 worth of equipment from the set of Lupin in Paris. What do you think?
Quality Time With Son Mostly Spent Convincing Him Not To Tell Mom About Affair
SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to keep the infidelity a secret, local man Darren Quimby mostly used the quality time he spent with his son Tyler this week to convince him not to tell mom about his affair. “Before we check out the next mini golf hole, I just wanted to make sure you’re not going to let mom know what you saw the other day,” said Quimby.
Fancy Water Cooler At Hotel Has Fish Floating In It
SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing that the complimentary beverage was much classier than just regular or sparkling water, local tourist Jonathan Riley told reporters Monday that the cooler at his upscale hotel had fish floating in it. “Oh, yeah, that’s delicious—it’s super subtle, but I’m definitely getting hints of goldfish, sea snail, and maybe even a little miniature crab,” said Riley.
Doctors In Canada Can Now Prescribe National Park Passes
A new program launched last month in Canada gives some doctors the option of providing patients with a free annual pass to the country’s national parks as part of an effort to increase access to nature and the health benefits to be found outside. What do you think? Read more…
Woman Shamelessly Sleeps Her Way Laterally Across Corporate Ladder
ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an entry-level position in communications—so, yeah, let’s just say there’s no way she got there on merit,” said a coworker of Cioci who spoke on condition of anonymity. Read more…
Tips For Eating Way More Meat
Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat. Read more…
NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole
THE MILKY WAY — In an effort to understand the fundamental nature of the regions of space-time, NASA confirmed the launch of a mission Friday to gently lower a hot dog on a fishing line into the black hole known as Sagittarius A. “For decades, we have striven to grasp these mysterious features of our universe, and we believe a grilled-to-perfection frankfurter is exactly what we need to tempt the black hole into revealing its true nature,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson.
Nude Woman Pleasantly Surprised To See Self Represented In Art Museum’s Collection
NEW YORK — Calling the experience “deeply inspiring,” local nude woman Kassandra Harster told reporters Wednesday that she was pleasantly surprised to see herself represented in an art museum’s collection. “Wow—I don’t see many bodies like mine in fashion magazines, so to see myself in everything from the Renaissance statues to the surrealist paintings is very empowering,” said Harster, who paused as she strolled through the Metropolitan Museum of Art to marvel at a Greek marble sculpture that was as unclothed as she was.
Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work
NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick hyperventilating session when they need to,” said Billings. Read more…
Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years
VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. Read more…