GREEN BAY, WI. After a season that did not meet expectations, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers announced to the press on Thursday that he will be seeking guidance from a group of trusted witches while considering his future career options. This could include returning to the Packers, exploring potential trades, or even retiring.
Category: The Onion
‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend
Kansas City, MO. Nelly was seen twirling and showcasing her new boyfriend to her friends while mentioning that the boyfriend has pockets, which is a feature she likes. She said, “I know it’s not my usual style, but it does have four pockets around the waist and this extra one up here over the breast.” She also mentioned how the pockets will come in handy for carrying her belongings.
Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting
NEW YORK—Explaining why she was in such high demand as an expert witness in courtrooms and as an analyst on news programs, body language specialist Linda Rothbaum told reporters Wednesday that she could discern with almost 90% accuracy whether a person was sitting.
Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME—Stressing that there must have been some sort of mix-up in the ordering process, local man Tim McGowan told reporters Wednesday that the coleslaw portion he had received at Rose’s Diner was so generous that it felt like he was getting away with robbery.
Tom Brady Cancels Retirement After 2 Months
NFL quarterback Tom Brady said he will return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just two months after announcing his retirement, saying his “place is still on the field.” What do you think?
Metallica Threatens To Pull Music From Spotify Unless Company Increases Executive Salaries
SAN FRANCISCO—Offering harsh criticism for a streaming platform that has often faced charges of unfair compensation, Metallica announced Monday that it would remove its music from Spotify unless the company immediately increased the salaries of all high-level executives.
Drunkenly Wearing Lampshade On Head Less Fun When Alone
MIAMI—Saying the brief delight wore off as quickly as it had started, visibly drunk local man Max Soylu, 25, told reporters Friday that wearing a lampshade on one’s head is less fun when alone.
Carnival Cruise Lines Turns 50
The first Carnival Cruise Lines ship set sail on March 11, 1972, ushering in an era of modern-day luxury cruise liners that have generated their share of headlines over the years. The Onion looks at highlights in the history of Carnival Cruise Lines on its 50-year anniversary.
Texas Bans Consensual Sex
AUSTIN, TX—Joined by Republicans from the state legislature in a highly publicized ceremony, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Thursday banning consensual sex.
Declining Bee Population Linked To Increase In Bees’ Pornography Consumption
In a groundbreaking new investigation into the population decline of critical pollinators, entomologists at Cornell University published a study Tuesday that establishes a link between bees’ dwindling numbers and their increased consumption of pornographic materials. “It appears the marked collapse in honeybee colonies over the past 15 years can be largely attributed to the male drones’ rampant use of hardcore bee pornography,” said head researcher Lisa Harrison.